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I seek the spaces in between the chatter and at times I feel as if I could fall so far deep into it that I may never return.

I watch people as they come in and out of my life or as they come in and out of my daily existence.

It is safe to say that a majority of people are sleep walking through their life….playing a role…walking a straight line. I realize as I watch others, how deeply entrenched I am in my own emotions compared to the surface level that many people are accustomed to. In order for me to function, I have to feel it. I have to be empowered, inspired, or evolved in some aspect of my life at all times. There is always something deeper to experience…something more to delve into and a profound gift waiting below all of the feelings. When I start comparing my need for connection on such an intense level to other people…it makes me question the word love. Is that deep seated desire for intensity another form of love?

What is real love? Does it make us stop in our steps and grasp for air…does it align with the stars…does it breech every ounce of negativity if only for a chain of instances? Do we expect something in return for the way we love? Do we seek reassurance for our human mistakes or vanity within the confines of love and expect it to heal everything? Do we feel love even when we think we don’t have it? I was asking this question to myself yesterday….when do I love the most? It took less than a second to answer that question and the answer was, that I love the most when I am in joy, when I am embodying the full capacity of who I am capable of being. I have been on a quest for some time to fully embody my own self love and to continue shedding the layers that keep me from it. I have grown immensely over the years and have reached a place of solace and grounding in myself. It is occasionally ripped to shreds by deep seated emotion that comes to the surface, but then it is repaired and another layer of love shines through.

Those layers of stronger love that keep emerging brought me to another thought regarding the human life. I work with hospice patients and I see them in their last days at times. I have noticed that a few of the main regrets of humans are… not telling someone the truth or holding back their feelings…not trying for something they had always dreamed of….and not forgiving themselves. I then have thought to myself that people hold the expression of their deep seated emotions for occasions after their family members have passed away or they store it up for a wedding or another special occasion. I am in awe at times that as humans, we do not show our vulnerability on a daily basis. We drink or take pills to cover it up, all because we think the emotions are too painful or because we don’t want to show too much to the ones we love. I can say that I have been one these people. I never wanted cry in front of others because I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to take care of me. I wanted the world to know that I could take care of myself and many times, I flat out wore a ‘fuck off’ on my forehead. It is not until I turned 28 that my desire to hide all emotions was released. I began to unearth the tears and slowly…year by year…I got better at showing vulnerability. With those tears I got better at expressing myself and genuinely communicating although I still have a lot of work to do.

The thing that surprises me year after year is that we so often do not say the things we want to say in the moments we want to say them….we so often forget to tell people how much they mean to us because we get caught up in our daily lives. Why not say it now? Every day. Say something. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Why not remember that each day passes quickly and that with each moment of deep seated emotion, there lives the possibility of reciprocation in another human to make it ten times more powerful in its state.

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